MIA

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been MIA for a bit due to depression. I stopped taking medication in the summer because I was ok. Then once October rolled in, it came back and slapped me in the face. Was put on a different medication that was ok at first… Then it made me nauseous and overly tired. My depression wasn’t taking it. Now I’m back on my first medication again. I know this will work it’s magic, in time.

😫

Coworker is an extremely clingy, touchy, needy and boundary breaking guy, and it’s been going on for over 2 years. It started out as a crush, then infatuation, now it seems obsessive. He’s aware his feelings are “unrequited”…GOOD!

He doesn’t like my husband, but will talk to him here and there. He seems jealous of other coworkers paying attention to me. I’m one of his only friends there.

He’s not a bad guy, just creepy. The thing is, he’s knows he’s creepy. I don’t like being mean to people, and that’s my problem. Maybe I was too nice.

Loss

I guess you never know what real loss is until you lose a parent. It’s the worst feeling ever. I think I’m lingering in between Anger (stage 2) and bargaining (stage 3). It’s so fresh, the pain. It’s a brand new hurt. A feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Dreams and memories keep me company, but also disturb my sleep. I’m not myself right now and everyone I work with can see that.

Coma

The light dims quickly, I can hear you.

I feel your touch but can not move.

I dream, a dozen different dreams that seem so real.

Beeping.

I can’t hear you now. I can’t feel you now.

Tears. I feel tears.

I dream some more. The dreams are intense. I want to stop them but I can’t.

Beeping.

I hear it again.

I feel you. I know it’s you. I can smell your perfume.

Tears. There they go again.

Kiss. A warm peck on my lips.

My eyes open slowly then close.

I hear you! You call a name I never heard before.

Light. A bright light.

My eyes want to open again, but the light is too bright.

I try. For you. I want to see you.

My eyes open again.

I scan for you. You look different. But the same.

A little girl I don’t know. Where am I?

Who is she?

I scan the room. A doctor? A hospital?

I can’t speak. Why can’t I speak?

I raise my hand to touch my mouth. But something is blocking.

A tube. A long tube.

You’re here. You’re close.

You pull my hand away. You cry. Happy tears I hope. You tell me that I’ve been in a coma for six years.

I’m shocked. All I remember is yesterday.

Mom life

Hey mom, what’s for dinner? It’s apparently something that one of the 3 kids won’t want. 🍽

Hey mom, can you send me some money? I’m an ATM. 💵

Hey mom, can you come here for a minute? I obviously just sat down after working myself to death. 🏃🏼‍♀️

Hey mom, we need milk. After I just bought 2 gallons the day before. 🥛

Then there’s, so mom, but mom, yo ma and my all time fave, bruh! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oops

Did you ever send a text that was meant for your significant other to someone else, accidentally? Well it’s the first time it happened to me today. And of all the people that I accidentally sent it to was the guy who has a huge crush on me. Now I know I’m not going to live this down for a while. Luckily it was just a love emoji. But that’s plenty. My husband thought it was hilarious. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Me

I was born without a filter. Growing up in the 80s-90s I learned how to deal with shit real fast and take no shit from anyone. Lies will always hurt more than truth but truth is always best, even if it’s brutal. I’ve been through so much shit I probably should’ve died 20 times or so. Apparently I have a guardian angel or devil. My defense mechanism is my sarcasm, it’s fun fucking with those who don’t know it. I say what I mean and mean what I say, even if it’s mean. (That was a mouthful). I don’t sugar-coat anything. Just be you. And I’ll be me.

Dumbfuckery

Why do people continue to be stupid and annoying every single day of the week? Can we have one day off to breathe a sigh of relief before jumping right back into it? It’s too much to ask or comprehend, I’m aware.

I don’t understand how some people can go to the same place every day, multiple times a day and each time make someone want to stab themselves in the ears because of their loud obnoxious tone.

Maybe being medicated is the best solution, especially if it takes all the care away from the constant dumbfuckery that surrounds us.

Ugh! People

Me personally, I work in retail…Which I don’t understand why I torture myself with stupid customers. Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. Who knows. But there’s been many times, MANY that I just want to say “are you fucking kidding me” right to their face. But no, I hold it in liked the trained seal because I won’t look good in an orange jumpsuit. So I finish what I’m doing and quickly get to the back room, then not so loudly scream “FUCK”. I seriously hate people. And by people, I mean the customers!

Saddest day

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

My grandma. I went to see her while she was in the hospital. She just wasn’t feeling too good. She said she was ready to go. I didn’t want to hear that. When I left I said I would see her later. The next day was mother’s day. I didn’t get to see her earlier that day. That night, she passed. We still went to say our goodbyes. It’ll be 11 years and it still hurts. I also hate mother’s day.

Crazy

I understand that there are people in this world who are crazy (not the good kind), and there are people in this world who attract the crazies (still not the good kind). But if we can limit it to one at a time that’d be awesome!

So as I mentioned in my first post, love struck co-worker……I am 99.99% sure that these “feelings” of his won’t go away. Nothing is going to happen. I’m happily married.

And it appears that another person has a crush on me. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I honestly don’t know what it is, maybe it’s my unfiltered personality. Maybe….however, I’m not going to change that. I am who I am. Guess they’re going to have to suffer! Suckers

Invisible

The worst part of life is being ignored. But not just any kind of ignored. I’m talking invisible. Like someone who you know and chat with suddenly doesn’t even acknowledge you’re there. Or you could be sweeping the damn floor and someone walks right in front of you, stepping in the pile. That’s so fucking rude. It hurts, not serious, but just enough. We often joke about wanting to become invisible at some point, but when you really are then it sucks.

LIFE

Never stop doing what you love just because someone who you love doesn’t like it.

Never settle for second best, even if you have to wait forever.

Never give up on your dreams, even if it’s just a daydream.

Never forget that you are special in your own way.

Never let someone else tell you how to live your life.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and live by them. It makes us stronger than we ever thought we were or could be.

So remember this, YOU ARE WORTH IT and LOVED!

Emotions

Life is an emotional rollercoaster with lots of  turns and loop de loops.

It can be wild and fun or scary as hell.

Sometimes, you get sick of it and give up or go for another turn.

We live our lives like we’re trying to please everyone.

But are we pleased with ourselves?

Do you even like who you are?

Do you like what you have become?

Is this life what you’ve wanted or what someone else wanted for you?

Speak up!

No one can see how you feel.

Let them know.

Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.

Don’t hold back and bottle it up.

Because one day, you will burst.

Speak up!

Before it’s too late.